By Esther Nshakira | July 12th, 2019

Previously on Anita Everything: Anita decided to hook up with Big Ssu from flat number four on my block. Because Big Ssu doesn’t care about dental health he bought condoms but not toothpaste, which lead to Anita knocking on my door in the morning looking for colgate. Problem is that she was not just in the morning, she was also in just a towel. And now she is also in my bathroom brushing in my sink.

And that is when my special lady friend shows up. Let me introduce Nakiwanuka who passed through Compton once while she was studying in California and is now known as Naquanusha.

Naquanusha: (To the betowelled woman she can see in my bathroom) : Aaaan who the helleryou?

Anita: Mwashmushusmanta (Which is the best she can say with her mouth full of toothpaste foam).

Naqua: Whatttt, are you doon here in mah man’s house?

Anita (gets some water, rinses spits, and then answers): Well, I was blushing my teeth at first, but that was then. Now I’m just terring people what I am doing. Any more questions, or can I finish cleaning my mouth? The plimora still hasn’t been blushed.

Naqua: You are naat gon be up in mah man’s house, all up hurr witcho lil towel and stuff talmbout you blushing wharrever like you don’t thank I’ma do somemn! Heiffer You besta clean them teeth reeal quick before I knack em right outcho mouth!

Me: Wait. Naki, wait. It’s not what it looks like.

Naqua: Shush you mouth Baz. After this, the next asswhuppin is yours.

Me: That would be domestic violence. It’s against the law.

Naqua: The only law I know is when I SAID SHUSH!

Anita: Mwaushsususushhusuh. (I think she is trying to explain that she just came to brush her teeth but, like the FDC and other opposition figureheads, there are strategic and operational obstacles to getting the message through to the people effectively.)

Naqua: Hol my hanbag and my earrings, Baz.

Me (I am not going to hold her earrings or her bag. Because I know what happens once they have been transferred. I have seen four bar fights involving this woman and I know what damage happens. Her hands are like Besigye. As in it doesn’t matter who is right and who is wrong, when they are free, bodily harm and property damage are ensured.)

Naqua: Bway, I said hol. Ma. Earrrings! You def?

Me: Naki, you are getting the wrong idea.

Naqua: You wanna hold this bag or you wanna swallow it?

Me: It’s not what it looks like. Anita is the airtime chick.

Naqua: Look like y’all been havin some kind of time up in air with this ratty ass rural underdeveloped hair weave lookin’ like endagala and bad breaf like you been eatin’ mayuni n’ebijanjaalo nga mulimu weevils all your life, and that donkey ridin’ ass and stankin’ headlice and bedbugs in your underarms no good man-stealing fishmouth havin’ hoe…

Anita: Musushsusuus?

Oh oh. I am used to taking extra effort to interpret what Anita says at any given time so I could guess what she had just said amounted to something like, “Oh no. You did not just call me …. any of those things.”

Usually there is a weigh in, and the ref rings a bell but this time Naquanusha just swung. I was under the sofa faster than a cockroach. And all I could hear was biff baff pow. A trap beat made out of kicks and punches. That is how I was able to capture Anita’s lightning martial arts Bruce Lee flying dragon kick.

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