Previously on Anita Everything.
Anita kicked my ex out in my house. Well she wasn’t my ex until after the kicks but there was leg violence instigated by Anita and the outcome was, naturally, a dumping, which was to be mine.
So I was not too happy to see Anita this morning. Problem is she has taken monopoly over the airtime sales in the hood so there was no where else to go to load up.
Me: Anita give me one K airtime.
Her: Anko nawe, are you annoyed at me? Is dat why you are buying half da usual amount? Are you passive agglessing me?
Me: Maybe it’s because now that I am single, thanks to you, I only need half as much airtime.
Her: I already aporogised and aporogised to you. I exprained, she started it. And us from my virrage of Ggwa we are just too gangsta by instinct. Even rucky I didn’t have my gun.
Me: I asked for One k airtime please. Not the sociopolitical makeup of Ggwa. We are no longer friends. Don’t even make conversation with me. I am even going to end this post here and go back home to weep into my pillow while blasting Adele 25. But the dancehall remixes because otherwise I can’t stand that shit. Whiney wailey shit. Might as well have given the Grammy to a cat recorded mid-slaughter.
Her: But you are observant, Anko. Aderr sounds just rike the suspicious sounds you hear coming from that alley when the muchomo guy, Chomo Kiynatta, has failed to raise money to buy goat meat but he needs to be on jobbo.
Me: One K airtime. Less blah blah.
Her: Don’t srow me out Anko Baz. Okay to make ammends. I give you bonus airtime and you can downroad tinder.
Me: Tinder? How is tinder going to help me? Tinder is an app for people who are already in relationships but are looking to find ways of sneaking around and getting doggy in the alleys behind bars on Acacia avenue. It’s not for single people.
Her: Okay. Why don’t you make a whatsapp video and send to abanoonya?
Me, Bazanye of Sunday Vision Fame: Anita, I used to work at Vision Group. If I want abanoonya, I just go to the Bukedde TV studio in person and login to a computer.
Her: Is dat where you found dat rachet cow whose ass I whupped? She seemed as if as if one of the abanoonya video appricants who was deemed unfit for broadcast. Anko, were you dating an abanoonya reject?
Me, sighing: To be honest, I don’t know how we got together. One minute I’m taking a shot of Konyagi mixed with tequila and four things in four different satchets and next thing I know I wake up in a bed I don’t understand.
Her: Dilink lesponsibry, man.
Me: To be honest you did me a favour. That woman used to force me to watch Real Housewives of Atlanta. A whole me? A sophisticated and distinguished intellectual like me? I’m supposed to be watching Rick and Morty!
Her: Speaking of which, Anko, you are seriously need to consider. You are too old to be dating. I am sure your cran members have told you dis.
Me: Yes. They have. Fortunately, I’m too old to have to sit back and take it so I tell them to shove that shit back up the bull they got it from and I go suck up more malwa. Mbu asking me why I am not married. If they are elders, why are they asking childish questions? If you see a single 40 year old man I’m Kampala the reason is one. Baggage.
Her: You get me long. That’s not what I was suggesting. What I meant was, Anko, at your age, alen’t you ready to be a bresser?
Me: I can’t be a blesser. As a feminist I am opposed to the commodification of women, which is what a blesser situation is… It’s exploitation of girls!
Her: Hah! Me and Big Ssu who is exproiting who? He even had to go to work by Pioneer to go to town because I was using his Plado to drive here. It was hot and I didn’t have my sungrasses.
I don’t have a cliffhanger this time. I did not drink enough coffee before I began writing.
Click here for #AnitaEverything 7