By Esther Nshakira | August 2nd, 2019

There was a new face at Anita’s Airtime Emporium. I didn’t know what an emporium was, but I had long gotten used to the fact that Anita, even though she can’t pronounce them all, had more words than I did. My main concern was the new girl, who she was, why, and what.

Secondary concerns included why her weave looked like a dried out maize plantation, why her lipstick had been applied with a thumb and why her eyebrows were upside down and in two pairs. I immediately asked the first question. I am a well trained journalist. We ask questions.

Here is how the interview went.

1.Who is that?

A (For answer, but if you like, can also stand for Anita): That’s Proscorivia my intern.

Q: Proscolivia? Really?

A: Some people, when they come from the village, feel they need to have English names now that they are in Kampala. But they don’t really know how to do it so they end up with gibberish like Proscorivia. Just ret it go.

Q: So you got an intern? Eh. Business is growing.

A: Yeah. Appalently people suddenly have a great need for more data. Demand is skylocketing. I can’t handle it arone.

Q: There is this new app people in the hood began downloading that is chewing up their data.

A: Prosco, come here. This is Anko Bazanye. Treat him very well. He is my most important customer.

P: (For whatshername with the makeup that looks like it was done by that guy who paints nursery school walls) But madam, that’s what you said about the last customer.

A: (With eye roll). Rack of understanding the dericate nature of letail business is why you are an unpaid intern, Prosco. Now go to the toilet and revise.

So Anko, have you got my new app?

Q: It’s you who made the app?

A: Dude, I didn’t go to Makerere so dat means I am able to self-equip with skills that are marketable in the new economy instead of waiting for someone to emproy me. Rike most interrigent dropouts, I know how to code.

Q: Are you pulling a Kanye West?

A: I don’t know who Kanye West is. If you are asking whezer I am downpraying the varue of formal education, I am not. Proscolivia can’t even count or read.

We have to mark the airtime cards by colour code.

Q: What is the app about? I haven’t downloaded it because since I got dumped last week I spend all my airtime listening to poems on YouTube about loneliness and heartbreak and also googling ways to numb the pain in my heart. Apparently heroin is highly recommended but I don’t think it is allowed in Uganda and I don’t want to be arrested by Affande Mande. He is the only cop I know who administers mob justice. By himself moreover.

A: Well, it’s called BlessR. What I did is I drew up an arogolizimi…

Q: Algorit… Sikunyega. I can’t say that word either.

A: Anyway a system that takes into consideration your strengths and weaknesses and pairs you with the most appropriate blessee for your level.

Q: People like you are bad for this country.

A: You say dat but you want to try the app now, don’t you? Don’t you? It’s da temptation of da chance to have sex without the bother of emotional commitment or any of the nasty mess associated with rove. As a bresser you don’t even need to cut your toenails.

Q: I don’t enjoy cutting my claws so let’s see.

A: (opening the app on her S8 edge and tapping it) Now, at your income, which I can carchurate from your car, phone and residence…hmm… you yourself live the rife of a well-bressed chick. You need to increase your income by forty five percent to afford to bress a house girl.

Q: Anita, has this app actually connected anyone to a blessing?

A: No. Evelyone gets the same lesult. It tells dem to get 45% higher income.

Q: So why did you make it?

A: It chews mooooob data! My sales of airtime are up 200%! I am going to end up licher than my own bresser!

A: It chews mooooob data! My sales of airtime are up 200%! I am going to end up licher than my own bresser!

Again, illustrator is still AWOL. So we don’t even have a picture of Proscolivia yet you really need to see it to believe it. Let me look for the artist. To be continued illustrated.

Click here for #AnitaEverything 9

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